I’m a nine year old boy with a criminal record. I look after a Killer Whale at my local zoo. I make it eat rats and put fireworks on it’s back. We have such a great time. I’ve called him Foreskin.

The other day all my friends came round and we collected up some sticks and poked at his eyes. The boss came out and told us to quit it. But when he turned his back I got Foreskin with a right jab in his eye that made a squelching sound and we all went, “urgh!”

The other day I was teaching him to swear. But he wouldn't do it so I made him eat some batteries. Then my friends came round with some bangers and we set one off in Foreskin's blow hole. We couldn't put on a show for a week while the boss got all the blood and flesh out of the tank. He said that Foreskin was lucky he wasn't killed. He said I was a little bastard. But then the lady, who has been teaching me to make Foreskin do tricks, hugged me and told the boss that I had issues. And I cried. It was a real human moment. Like from a film or something.

Sometimes Foreskin gets poorly and we have to feed him special medicine. It’s really expensive so we can only afford one bottle. I brought it into school and we all tasted it for dares. One of the bigger boys said no problem he could drink it all, and then he poured it over this girl and she screamed and told on him. She got a rash, which was funny. But it meant that we had no medicine for Foreskin when he got ill. To get the money for the medicine the boss re-mortgaged his house. He's a Native Indian. I see him crying sometimes in the office, but I don’t ask him what’s wrong because he always shouts and says I’m an incompetent and he doesn’t know why he ever let a nine year old boy work at the blasted damn zoo.


When I grow up, I want to look after Foreskin all the time and maybe release him into the wild and train him to kill other whales. Especially Blue Whales. I think Foreskin would be the toughest whale in the whole sea. He would kick those other whales asses, no problem.

A FEW MONTHS LATER...


There's a nasty business man who wants to kill Foreskin so he can get the insurance money from him. Me and the boss had a plan to stop him and release Foreskin by making him jump over this sea wall so he'd survive. But the business man gave me an XBox and $200 to spend on games. How cool is that? My friends think I’m the coolest. I don’t even go to school because I’m always playing it. I don’t go and visit Foreskin that often anymore either. And I’ve gone off the idea of trying to release him. He’s probably dead anyway. Besides, I want to be an astronaut. Astronauts are fucking cool.